WINTER
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moon phases � |
Snow, more fucking snow. The ground has been covered for nearly two months and just when the flat brown grass begins to become visable, it fucking snows again. This winter and my life are running in mirror image. Cold, dark, howling, aching.
I need to not be needed. It offers a level of freedom I have not experienced in a very long time. I think that is one of the things that makes me nuts when the rainman is home. He aleviates none of the needing that goes on around me. He often makes this worse by distracting me from the core issues, or just plain makes a physical mess of things.
I am tired of bitching about him. It is just hard not to when I know it doesn't have to be like this. Once upon a time it wasn't like this.
Everyone around me is sick of winter too, so misery feeds misery and it's very hard to escape the dullness. I would really like to just take some time and walk through the woods alone. Find the peace I have always found there.
I have been having very strange dreams lately and I am not even premenstrual. I must be more messed up than I originally thought. I dreamt I was walking for miles and miles through a snowstorm and I finally became so tired and cold I just fell face first into the snow and couldn't/wouldn't get up. I dreamt I had a really good lay, I mean really good. That dream was not long enough (is it ever?) I am pretty transparent right now, huh?
I still haven't read the sacred scrolls that were entrusted to me recently. I don't know exactly what I am waiting for. Something subconscious leaves them wraped in their shroud on top of the refrigerator. I look each day, but the right day hasn't come yet. Maybe a chain reaction will occur, something similar to a nuclear meltdown. Maybe I will realize I am in the wrong dimension.
Something is happening inside, I tried to download the sounds of silence from napster the other day. Why the hell would I do that?!? Wrong movie.
written at 23:04:51
2001-02-23
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