CROP AND PRINT
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moon phases � |
I really am pathetic. The really sad thing is I don't exactly know how to stop being pathetic. Get rid of the anger would be a good start I guess. Then what do I do when the rainman walks in?
I say I am pathetic because I nearly broke down and cried today because the backyard pool is starting to cave in from all the fucking snow that has been piling up on it for over two months. It is not like I can use it now, but just knowing that summer will come and I can slip into the cool calm water is enough to sustain whatever thread of sanity I may have left. That pool is probobly the only thing that keeps me from going totally over the edge sometimes. Ritual bath.
Speaking of anger and all that stuff. I have been really overloading on it lately. The two days the rainman was off this week were screaming examples of things that I just don't understand and apparently can't tolerate. Mostly I get nuts about the little things he does to A. I assume he is unaware of what he is doing and I am doomed to not being able to change it because anything I say is an unacceptable attack on his soul or something. Example one: A. wants daddy to play with her and asks several times. By the time daddy responds (on void autopilot) he is giving a canned answer to a question he did'nt even hear. Then when A. screams at him in three year old frustration he yells at her for screaming at him. Or if not quite that, he hears only part of what she says and then accuses her of not saying what she wants. The bottom line is he is belittling her by constantly telling her she made a mistake or didn't say what she wanted or he doesn't answer her at all when she talks to him and then expects an instant response from her when he talks to her. Do I see a disfunctional childhood being cultivated here or what. If I were to say something to him about this I would be irrational and always blaming him. I did actually make a remark to him about ignoring the child when she speaks but expecting her to respond to him when he speaks to her. There was no discussion on the topic.
A. wanted a new cup of milk the other day while I was busy with something and I suggested she ask daddy to get it for her. She told me she was afraid to ask daddy. Three is fleeting in emotion, but I believe she honestly was/is afraid to go to him for what she needs. He thinks it is her...
I am supposed to love this man?
I had a major reorganization attack the other day and in the process of going through all my old film and photos, I found the greeting cards that were given to us when we got married. Strange timing.
I am not sure what to do with these relics. They are a reminder of a time when there was hope and honesty. It is depressing to be reminded of this. Even if things were to change there is a scab somewhere inside of me that is hardening and will leave a scar that will remain stiff and will be achey when rain is comming.
The good news is now all my photos and stuff are here near the computer so my virtual darkroom is functional! I hope to find more time to work with photos. The sewing has been obsessive lately (maybe I am trying to repair the fabric of my life). I enjoy sewing and may soon make some money from it but photos are my guts. A. loved the move and got to look through some old photos. She has been asking me to take pictures of her block buildings and stuff ever since. She is a perceptive child. There is something animal about a mother's Love. There is something profound in a child's eyes.
In case anyone out there is wondering if I ever talk to anyone about all of this, I do. If I didn't I couldn't keep a perspective. I am starting to feel a little guilty about talking to the rainman's cousin, spaceman though. I don't want to but him in a stange position. He is very supportive and tries to give me insights into the traumas the rainman was subjected to. I have even passed a few clandistine words with rainman's sister and she confirms my perseptions. Can't get better validation than the blood relatives I guess. I do worry about the spaceman going out on a limb on my behalf, I am very tempted to tell rainman that I have been speaking to him so there is no room for future misunderstandings. Only problem is the rainman and I don't talk. I will have to think about this.
I have gotten a few things down here but there is more that I need to sort out. I can't just continue day after day like this. I suppose I will initiate another conversation one of these days....for what it is worth.
written at 22:13:34
2001-03-09
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