WILL THE FOG LIFT?
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moon phases � |
It has been a while since I had enough brain to even think about writing. The past week was a daze of belated hormones that totally put me on my ass. Hormones are bad enough by themselves, but with a 3 year old and all the other stuff....
Needless to say nothing has changed on the relating front (or back for that matter). The last time I attempted to write I was very pissed off and on a roll describing the problem when hicksville ISP bombed on me. After that I was really ticked and lost my way with words all together.
Here is a brief synopsis of that episode:
Last week we actually had a warm sunny day so I washed all the curtins in the house in an effort to get the dust (real and figurative) out. I asked rainman to rehang the curtins (at 6'4" its a hell of alot easier for him) and everything went to hell. First he was losing the pieces of the curtin rods and then asking me to find them even though I wasn't even in the room and had no clue where to start looking for the damned thing. Then it just got uglier and uglier. He got really nasty and said," we should get a divorce and you can have the kid". That was said, I want you to know, in front of A. I did not respond, since I didn't want to make a scene in front of "the kid". After I rehung the curtins (must I do everything?), silence prevailed. I tried to write about it all and when I went into the bedroom there he was asleep with a book in his hand (at 9pm). The following day he waited untill he knew we wouldn't be home and left a message on the answering machine saying he loves us and he is an asshole. This is intimacy, talking to a machine?? Should I feel reassured that all is well in my corner of the universe? Bah, Humbug!!
I will have to provoke a conversation at some point, but I decided to let the fog in my uterus lift first. Not that being reasonable or eloquent will help, but I have my self respect to think about here.
I got a mercy call from spaceman over the weekend. He theorizes that rainman is suffering from low self esteem perhaps secondary to problems at work. Like I said to spaceman, I wouln't really be able to begin to guess since without communication I know nothing about rainman's work life or his life in general. All I have is my observations, and at this point my objectivity is getting a tad questionable.
It was very warm, finally, yesterday so I took A to the top of the mountain park. It was weird since people were walking around in shorts and tee shirts but it was nearly all snow covered and the sky lake is still frozen. I took the clunk box along and shot a couple of rolls of film. It felt good to look through that beast again. It was fairly warm again this afternoon so I raked out some flower beds and pruned away some of last years twigs. It is still very wet and the veg garden is a mud pit, but it felt good to touch my patch of earth. I may be going to check out some goats tomorrow. I must be nuts, but I still have an idea that it would be nice to have goats and live happily ever after. The woman with the goats also sells milk (hush hush) so if nothing else I can take up making cheese. I had a chance to get some chicks a little while ago but it has been so cold I felt the hassle of keeping them warm was beyond my energy reserves. Besides I have a barn not a chicken coop.
Well, I think I will put my cramps to bed in anticipation of another fun day with rainman off work tomorrow.....just imagine the possibilities....
written at 8:17 p.m.
2001-04-10
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