NEAR MISS
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moon phases � |
Unfuckingbelievable!! Finally, a conversation of sorts takes place and I cant get into diaryland. Here I am, writing this on my wordprocessor for later posting because, once again, technology has failed me.
Anyway, I finally reached a point where I decided to just prod things a little. Maybe it was a little too much fresh air today or something, or just being tired enough to get stupid. After A was safely tucked in, I presented the question �how do you feel about our not having a conversation or a glimmer of a relationship for this year so far?�, to rainman. He initially said he felt lousy about it and then it got very quiet. I prompted him with as few words as possible and he started to say something but he fell back on his �can you say anything without being sarcastic � line. He seems to like to put me in the position of making conversation impossible. I am a sarcastic witch apparently without trying.
Well, I feel I handled things quiet well, and I said as little as possible in very neutral tones. I wanted to leave the talking up to him. I have said it all over and over, why beat it into the ground. He basically tried to do the usual thing, Claiming to love me very much, blah, blah, blah. Then he wanted to know why when he hugs me it doesn�t work out so good. Well, thank you diary for giving me an exercise field for my thoughts, I told him I don�t usually hug people I don�t talk to. He took this as a good point.
He admitted he has wasted years waiting for tomorrow to come so he would talk to me. He said things about being uncomfortable and embarrassed and I said things about those things being inside of him.
We pretty much got nowhere.
He asked me if I love him and I told him I don�t know. I have spent alot of time feeling nothing so it doesn�t hurt. I said so.
He said he loves A with all his being. I asked why he hasn�t, in nearly four years, educated himself about children so he can deal with her better. I noted that when one takes up a new hobby one usually reads a book or talks to someone with experience, yet parenting doesn�t get the same consideration. He was slightly humbled.
Will anything change, I am very cautious, nearly doubtful.
Will I take up raising dairy goats? Maybe, but maybe not this year. I will take up making goat cheese regardless of my marital status.
Will A have a disfunctional childhood? Not if I can help it!!
Tune in next week, and see how badly your stomach churns........
That stuff was from Thursday.
Two days have passed and as expected everything looks the same.
I got some stuff done lately, though. I finally mulched the patio garden that has needed attention since we moved in. I used just about all my compost on that garden and mulch was a must. I painted some of the "master" bedroom today too. It is very much time for some color on my walls.
I really need to destress. I did some herbal self medication today and had my sense of humor restored temporarily. I realize how tightly wound I am most of the time when I elevate my conciousness. I am not sure what a reliable solution would be but I think some regular exercise would help. I plan on doing a charity bike tour next Sunday in an effort to jump start my body while doing a local kid some good. I was going to ride with A on the back of the bike but rainman has gotten the day off so I can really focus on what I will be doing. Sore legs here I come.
A simple country life would be fine, thank you. Hold the violins, please.
written at 8:10 p.m.
2001-04-21
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