THE CRACK BETWEEN THE WORLDS
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moon phases � |
Sickening smell of florist flowers and something more sinister and chemical. Morbid gathering of people in a room furnished in false comfort and folding chairs. People trying to remain aloof of their own mortality while fixated on the hollow shell of a former loved one. Turning away even when confrontation of reality is most conveinent.
Most teachable moments are not recognized.
Got through the wake for my aunt with very little drama, fortunately. The funeral tomorrow morning may be another thing. I am drugged by my hormones and the iminent flow of womb blood. Cushioned by the knowlege of possibilty not addressed and lost. Each month a death occurs through neglect. A garden bed is cultivated but remains unseeded. Bleeding out in a little death to mirror the bleed out that caused my aunt's soul to abandon her faulty body and move on.
It was nice that photographs where displayed representing people and places in my aunt's life. It gave a humanity to an inhumane ritual. I had not seen this done since my soul sister, cccerberus, lost her father to the demons of modern pharmaceuticals and surgeons. When the time comes for me to choreograph such ritual, I will use photos.
Just for the sake of consistancy, I will mention that when I got home today rainman did not ask how my dad was or myself. He was in a rush to go to work and wouldn't have given me the time to shower if I hadn't just gone ahead. Such deep compassion is more than I can take.
Contrast - I received email from elio. He was very busy and had spent ten days with his kids so he had not been communicating. He suggested an european au pair to releive some of my stress. It is an Ok idea except I enjoy the time I spend with A, I need someone to deal with other areas of my life so I can enjoy my kid. Thoughtful of the guy to even think enough about my situation to make a suggestion. Elio is not sure when or perhaps if he will be comming to the area this month. It seems he may have a freelance job possibility that may prevent him traveling when he had planned. He seems to be getting tired of the demands of his freelance photo business. He has to take work when it presents itself regardless of other plans. I hope to hear soon if he will be traveling. I had very little to say in my note to him since the death cloud has been over me these past few days. I did send him a photo of A in my demi boots and a cowboy hat that is just so cute. I will send him a decent note after tomorrow is past.
I go to sleep the sleep of the stunned.
written at 8:43 p.m.
2001-07-09
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