SPRING BREAK EULOGY
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moon phases � |
SPRING BREAK EULOGY
Well, for all practical puposes spring break is over. My goal of spending a bit of "quality" time with A. worked out OK. Until yesterday (or, actually Wednesday night). This had nothing to do with A. and everything to do with good ole' rainman.
Wednesday, rainman was off from work. He made plans to go fishing with a guy from work. He swore he would be home a bit after noon. OK, I took A. to the top of the mountain to get a yearly pass to park in all the state parks and to walk around the tourqoise lake. We had a nice time and came home around 1pm. Rainman was not home. I had tapes to return to the library but couldn't deal with them until rainman got home because my dad was out and my mom's aide was leaving soon. I wait and wait and at around 2:45 the guy walks in. I am annoyed. I would have appreciated a call that he was going to be late so I could plan my gotta dos. He comes in and I am unenthusiastic. My dad gets home and I run out to the library.
It might have been OK.
Later....by some means or maybe matabolizing earlier stuff, the guy is smashed and dozing in his chair at 7pm. This is the third evening in a row I have had to look at his drunk assed face. I am now totally disgusted. I start wondering if this jerk was drunk the other night when a stray dog came in the yard while he was out at the wood shed with A. and he casually told her to yell if she saw the dog while he did his thing inside the shed. She was walking to the deck stairs with a piece of wood, and AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Hello, dipshit, did you consider that a pitbull could kill your 35lb four year old?
I am shaking with rage as I write this.
Yesterday morning I woke up in such a state of aggitated depression I could not function. The saving grace is that the dog bit rainman and did not bite off A's face. I was a wreck all day yesterday. Just mulling over that a year ago I was exactly where I am right now. I have been tolerant and descriptive and have found no change (he says it is better than it was - YO, define IT and BETTER THAN WHAT).
Today was not alot better in terms of my state of being. I was still very stressed and depressed. Fortunately, rainman has not been home much since wednesday night so I haven't had to see his sour puss. He banged around and opened every conceivable closet door at 6:30 this morning and I walked up to him and asked him if he was deliberately trying to wake A. up? He storms out of the house with a snotty voiced remark of "nice talking to you". Hey, stupid, you are the one who is too fucking drunk to talk to anyone but your own lame self. You are the one who hides in some ally somewhere to down a bottle of wine while you hold your dick. Do not imply that I have a problem communicating.
Well, today I tried to plan something to distract from the negativity but my morning was busy and by the time I called Mamma Bear I only got her machine. Well, I had to do something, anything, so I took A. to lunch at the diner (the cup and saucer - a UFO themed diner that recently opened). We had a nice time eating greek salad and french fries. It helped.
I have considered many possiblities in the past 48 hours. I woke up this morning at 5am with divorce on my mind, seriously. It may come to that but not this minute (it is a long process anyway). I have to consider the details. My financial standing right now is iffy. My business won't be profitable for quite a while in all likelyhood. I have to consider my parents dependency. Life ain't simple in middle age.
I have considered counseling, if I can find someone new age and cool. It is hard to keep an objective outlook when attacked by stress from all sides. I can't really talk to anyone about ALL the details. The friends who are near by are either biased or have enough on their own plate. I called the insurance company today to check on coverage. This also opens the door to substance abuse treatment for ole' stupid. If it does get ugly in family court I will have done the "right" thing.
I gotta get some sleep. I don't want to be bug eyed and depressed when I vist laughing rock farm on sunday.
PEACE
written at 8:30 p.m.
2002-04-05
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