NEWS FROM THE BELL JAR
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moon phases � |
NEWS FROM THE BELL JAR.
It would be so very lovely if my computer would work for more than forty-five seconds at a shot. Everything I do on this damned machine takes me five times longer than it should. To think I was under the impression that technology is my friend, HA!
I have been on a downswing this past week or so. Seems the deep depression bugs are trying to crawl across my eyeballs again. I just can't seem to get any energy together and I then don't want to do anything which leads to black dispair followed by....well, you get the idea I imagine. It probobly doesn't help that Rainman is on vacation this week. He is trying to get fall jobs done and not making alot of progress. The pool is covered, that took four days. The back of the barn is cleaned out, that only took half a day. The roof on the wood shed may get repaired. I sincerely hope I end up with a supply of hay before the weekend. I can't relate to him being home at all. He doesn't think a project through before he starts and then spends so much time trying to back peddle to correct what he forgot that it all takes forever. He then gets mad about it all and behaves like a two year old having a tantrum.
I am spending alot of time in my kitchen even though I don't really need to. I ran errands yesterday afternoon. I have had a few more beers than usual while sitting in my adirondack chair. I am wicked tired.
Did I mention that there have been a couple of drinking episodes that have confirmed my suspicion that Rainman is kidding himself if he thinks he is going to stop drinking without a bit of self examination. Not frequent or as sloppy as in the past but still, give it time (you know me, always the cynic).
Much of the time recently I feel myself receding from what is around me. I do what I have to but everything is a tremendous effort. It is as if I am falling into a tunnel and sound is still audible but distorted. I am not sure where I will land but while I am falling I am alone. I have to remind myself to talk to people. It is too much trouble to form thoughts and translate them to my mouth while forcing air through my larynx. I listen to music but I no longer sing along.
Have you read Sylvia Plath?
written at 9:00 p.m.
2003-10-01
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