GLOOM, DISPAIR,AGONY
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moon phases � |
GLOOM, DISPAIR, AGONY.
I am sitting here agonizing over the false face that I have to wear on a regular basis. Today is the only weekend day that Rainman has off in the entire holiday season. Therefore it is the only day to go cut Xmas trees. I feel like I have to plaster a happy face on to get through it all. I am not merry. I am not in the holiday spirit. I hate to lie and going through the motions is a lie. I feel bad about feeling this way because I don't want to take the magic out of the holiday season for A., she is so excited about everything Xmas.
We got a bit of snow yesterday, maybe seven inches. Certainly not the foot or more predicted but is definitely white out there. Rainman made a statement bright and early this morning that he CAN NOT shovel the deck and snow blow and then trapse around a mountain to cut trees and carry them to the car. Well, does this mean no Xmas trees or does it mean that healthcare workers comming to this house will sue us when they fall on their asses in the snow?? If my fucking arms didn't hurt I would just go out and do it all myself and then go off and do trees myself too. It would certainly be a more pleasant experience without him.
I guess it is obvious that I am in a shitty mood this morning. But then I just explained why.
To top all this off my father does nothing but bitch about every little thing. I walked downstairs this morning to give my mother her insulin and I got list of gripes about a dozen items long. No good morning, no how ya doin', just bitching and moaning. I am surrounded by ugliness and I am wilting.
Enough of this.
written at 8:45 a.m.
2003-12-07
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