FLASHBACK
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moon phases � |
Feeling slightly better today but now my father has the new and improved plague. This plague put a whole new twist on feeling shitty. Can't say you have a sore throat or even a stuffy nose. No up-chucking or butt running. No symptoms to speak of really unless you consider feeling like death on a shingle a symptom of something. Enough to make you think you are imagining the whole thing except it feels so damned lousy.
Well, that is hopefully over. I got throught the day without wanting to curl up and expire.
Still haven't got my thoughts together though. I do know I want to get somewhere other than where I am. I even have a really good idea what it feels like to be where I want to be since I have actually visited the place in this lifetime. The big question is how to get there. I never meant to find myself in this spot. If anything I had the opposite in mind. Just goes to show you that you don't always get what you want.
I had an episode of something that used to be today. I sat down and scanned some photos into the computer. I actually used to take lots of photos. I even got paid to take photos. I have photographed Helen Hayes and George Bush's brother. I photographed the govenor of New York before he was the govenor, the first time he ran for the job. I have made pictures for art and for money. I have found a vision that is mine alone. Too bad I misplaced that along with so many other parts of me. Anyway, as I was saying, I scanned some stuff into the computer today. Some of this stuff was sitting on my desk for over a year. Pretty embarassing to admit. Got me thinking though that it is about time I tried to get back to these basic parts of myself. It used to be that I ran on visual images and poetry. Now I run on housekeeping and discontent. What a shift. Funny thought the move to digital. I used to spend all night in a darkroom. You know, those little smelly rooms with the orange lights. I was like a vampire only I breathed in developer and fix instead of drinking blood. I would rise out of my box with the sun with a tray full of photos and a big grin on my face. Now I am considering selling my medium format equipment so I can buy top of the line digital. I can't have a darkroom out here in the country with my well and septic system. Besides the chemicals have always been environmentally horrible.
The photo I posted the other day was taken with my "clunk box" , a 6 X 7cm Pentax camera that looks like a overgrown 35mm. The negatives/transparancies are three times the size of 35mm and the difference in quality is incredible. I had lugged the camera and tripod and related equipment out into the woods in late October of 1996. A hurricane remnant had recently passed through and the waterways were running with awesome power. I must have been carrying close to 50lbs of equipment on my back and spent hours taking shots of the water and fall colors. The results were worth the effort. As a matter of fact that particular shot was printed from transparancy by a lab at NASA, compliments of Rocketman, and as I understand it is kept on file at NASA. Cool stuff and just so damned much fun. Well a few weeks after taking that picture I found out I was pregnant with A. That was the beginning of changes I never could have anticipated.
So, what I was saying the other day with that photo is that I need to get back to the place inside myself that made it possible for me to make that photo. I know I can't get back to that exact place because I have changed so much in the past 7 years, but I need to find the current equivalent. It is imperative to my sanity that I get back to a place deep inside myself that sees the world through eyes that search for beauty and poetry in the ordinary. I am just not sure how to find the path back.
I want to share that with A. She has the creative spirit in her. Would you like to see us?
This is one of the things I scanned today. That is me before the haircut and my little imp, A., the photo was taken about 6 weeks ago.
Hope the cold wind isn't howling at your house like it is at mine.
written at 8:44 p.m.
2004-02-07
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