AM I?
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moon phases � |
I sit hear feeling torn in several different directions. A big part of me has given up on any future with Rainman, and that is good. It leaves me a bit blown to the winds, but it is good. The realist knows that Rainman will not be out of my life until A. is an adult. That is reality. Therefore I want Rainman to be functional. It would certainly be the best thing for A. and my peace of mind. One of the most horrifying thoughts is sending A. off for a weekend with her father knowing he may be less than paying attention, if you get my meaning.
Besides all that, I am torn in many ways within what I want. I want very very badly to get my cheese business back up and running and I want so very very badly to live a quiet farm life but there are so many barriers to realizing that. I can't find the energy many days to confront the powers that be to find a way.
I want to be autonomous, not beholden to those outside myself. I don't want to walk out my door only to be haunted by the deadline to return. I don't want the guilt of not wanting that. I don't want to make a choice between my daughter, myself, my parents,........
These things are my torment and they create my strength. I have something that makes me see with clear/warped eyes. I dream with my eyes open as I walk down the street. It is disturbing. It is strange. It is beautiful.
Am I strong enough?
written at 8:57 p.m.
February 20, 2005
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