CRYING
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moon phases � |
I am so fucking depressed and confused right now. I went to two cheese realated meetings today and am just totally fucked up.
The first meeting was a state mandated seminar for licensed and prospective farmstead cheesemakers. It covered regulations on labels, sanitation and microbial testing. Lots of tech stuff and much of it was not differentiated between recommended and required (which is the case with most of the state information). This session was also incredibly boring.
The second was a meeting of the state cheese guild. A bit more interesting in that the guild supports farmstead cheesemaking and is working to promote, educate and address regulatory changes that are upcoming.
I went to these meetings with The Mistress of the Haven. She has gone into hock to get legal and is equally freaked out by the first meeting. The inspectors just don't tell you what they want so you go and do what seems right in the hopes they don't tell you to do it over.
I came home at 7pm after having left at 7am. The drive there and back was nearly three hours each way. I had barely eaten all day and have not been sleeping well so am exhausted. I came home and immediately went to the barn to milk. When I came in I went to change out of my muddy jeans and found laundry on my bed, the floor and on top of the dresser.
I lost it. I freaked completely. I just couldn't handle the clutter and the fact that now I had to go get a clothes basket or put the whole mess away. I couldn't get into bed without first cleaning the laundry out of the way. I got a clothes basket to put it all in and fell apart at the seams. I asked Rainman why he couldn't have left my laundry in a basket and he just got all bent out of shape because, apparently I am supposed to bow down and kiss his feet because he DID the laundry. Shortly after having moved the laundry and crying my eyes out in frustration as A. tried to offer me comfort, I asked A. what she had for dinner to distract myself and let her know I was still there for her. Well, she told me she didn't have dinner. I went to the kitchen and asked Rainman what he gave A. for dinner and he snapped, "I don't think I want to answer any of your questions". So, I told him if he can't answer a question about A. we have a big problem. Finally he tells me she had french fries (probably McD's - ugh) and most of a cantaloupe. He considered this dinner, A. didn't (and I don't). I told him if he can't take care of A. when I have to go somewhere maybe I should make other arrangements.
Needless to say he locked himself behind a closed door as soon as A. was in bed.
I fear I am wasting my time persueing my cheese business's reincarnation because I am going to be living in a cardboard box somewhere. No home, no goats, no business.
I am so fucking depressed.
written at 9:39 p.m.
March 29, 2005
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