DEEPLY HURTING
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moon phases � |
The sad express rolls through another day. Tears tearing me apart and leaving me red and raw. I sent A. off to a classmate's house this morning and I picked her up at the school gift making fair. I just couldn't slap a fake smile on my face and walk around the fair. No way. No how. I sat here looking at toys on line to try to figure out how the fuck I will finish holiday shopping. I cried some more and ended up wearing my sunglasses to pick A. up. Better to look foolish than like a ghoul.
My mother seemed to be breathing more rapidly and more shallowly today. How much longer?
Rainman claims he wants to talk to me tomorrow. How lovely. I am tingling with anticipation. He has no idea the additional damage his poor behaviour over the past couple of weeks has done. I cannot forgive him for being unable to put aside his childishness when my mother slowly dies in her bed downstairs. His callousness is beyond my ability to understand. His coldness is hurtful and cruel. He hasn't even considered that his kid is losing the grandmother she has lived with for all her living memory. An enemy would be more kind and courteous than Rainman. Even the worst of enemies will have some compassion when death is involved.
I feel sick and sad and disgusted.
written at 8:45 p.m.
December 11, 2005
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