DISCOURAGED
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moon phases � |
Main Entry: dis�cour�age
Pronunciation: dis-'k&r-ij, -'k&-rij
Function: transitive verb
Inflected Form(s): -aged; -ag�ing
Etymology: Middle English discoragen, from Middle French descorager, from Old French descoragier, from des- dis- + corage courage
1 : to deprive of courage or confidence : DISHEARTEN
2 a : to hinder by disfavoring b : to attempt to dissuade
- dis�cour�age�able /-j&-b&l/ adjective
- dis�cour�ag�er noun
- dis�cour�ag�ing�ly /-ji[ng]-lE/ adverb
Maybe dishearten would be a better description of my state of mind/being right now. It was discouraged that came to mind first though.
I can't say that my silence about rainman has been because there has been improvement or a lessening of the negative influence he has on me. I have been actively trying not to let the whole thing rule my life. That in itself is probobly very foolish. But since the whole thing has been stagnant I thought it best to make the best of the situation and carry on with my life and try to be "normal" for A..
This morning I became very discouraged.
I had another physcial therapy appointment this morning. I have been going twice a week and it is helping and I am learning to work the problem out of my arm. SO, I got up and did my barn chores and came in to grab some breakfast before running out the door. A. had gotten up while I was outside and was drawing at the kitchen table. Rainman was apparently still asleep. I ate and took A. downstairs to stay with grandpa so I could get going. Right before I walked out the door rainman got up. He reeked of alcohol. I still can't imagine how much one would need to drink to reek like that the next morning.
He has sworn several times he hasn't had a drink in two months.
Which brings me to discouraged.
I informed him of A's location and that I was leaving and left.
I got home ten minutes before he left for work. Haven't heard from him (I didn't expect to).
I can ignore and carry on up to a point. When he can't get his ass up to take care of his daughter while I go to an appointment I notice and become very angry.
So I ask myself for the ten billionith time, "what the fuck am I gonna do?"
For starters I will add another farmer's market to my summer. I doubt I can make enough to live without him on them but I can atleast build up some momentum.
There is always the temptation to talk to him about it. That hasn't made any difference in years so why on earth would it now. I don't think I will say anything. He surely won't.
I will go food shopping in the morning and get some things for A's easter eggs. I will spend more quality time with A. before the spring break is over.
I will carry on (that could mean two things, couldn't it)
I have not been receiving notice of guestbook entries lately. I just went into my guestbook on a whim. Thanks for the recent notes folks.
written at 8:33 p.m.
2004-04-08
Miss something?
- - January 26, 2009
- - May 26, 2008
- - April 09, 2008
- - January 21, 2008
- - November 24, 2007