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FUCKED TO THE NTH POWER

The current mood of greenwitch at www.imood.com

moon phases

Well, fucked up was kicked up another notch today. I really don't want to talk about it all but I will briefly for the sake of chronologic record.

Short background. Rainman has been complaining about once a week of some sort of illness. Whether it is extreme tiredness, sore throat, headache, you name it. It generally lasts a day or so and then is no longer an issue. I have suggested to him if he is not feeling well so often he should have a physical or maybe change his diet. No action or reaction to that suggestion.

Today was an "ill" day. It snowed some very heavy wet snow and when I went out to the barn Rainman was still in bed. A. got up and Rainman was still in bed. He should have left for work at 6:30am. He finally got up at around 9am. He was getting calls from his job this morning and I have no idea what the discussion was. Finally, I decided that it would be better if A. and I went to visit some friends we hadn't gotten to see over the holiday break who had called this morning to invite us over since they were home due to the weather. We left and Rainman was supposed to be doing the driveway so I could get my car out (I drove my dad's car today) and as a general rule having a safe driveway is a good thing when ninety year old folks are walking around. We came back from a very nice visit with our friends and the driveway looked almost like when we left. Rainman was on his way out because he had to go into work for the closing shift. I mentioned the driveway and he went off on how ill he is. This becomes like the boy who cried wolf, what do I believe..... I suggested that safety was a factor and he stormed into his car with nasty words thrown over his shoulder at me. I busted my already sore back and tendonitis laden elbows to clear enough of the driveway to move my car and so my dad can safely get into his car. I will not be feeling comfortable tomorrow. Anyway, I was so pissed at his behaviour I decided I would lock the mofo out tonight. It would serve the jerk right. I would love to do that but you know what, the kid would be woken up by Rainman's reaction and that just isn't right. So instead, I called Rainman at work to let him know I was pissed enough to seriously want to lock his ass out. He went wonky again and made several irrational remarks and just dropped the phone and walked away (I heard the handset hit something. This is a company phone folks). I didn't feel better after this exchange but he needs to know what is going on, he seems to be so clueless about everything.

He called me back an hour later to say he feels like he is losing his mind. Well, it might be something, a chance to seek help for his depression. He has to do something, he seems so fucking lost and I think he is seriously depressed. He does nothing to help himself. He just walks around like a robot or something. He was sent home from rehab with antidepressants that he may have taken but I know he messed with the doses. Those drugs need to be taken in the proper dose over time to work and with therapy. I imagine he ran out of them and just crashed from not having them. He never went to a therapist after the first appointment back in October and cancelled the MD appointment that rehab made for him and didn't reschedule. His arrogance in this situation has/will cause more harm than good.

In the meantime A. wouldn't go to bed the past few nights when Rainman was home but tonight he isn't here and she is sound asleep right now. She is being deeply affected by all this. Combined with my mother's death I can't imagine what is going on inside that child. She told me today that she isn't going to school tomorrow. She usually loves school. I was fine with keeping her home tomorrow so we could spend some time together and I could figure out what to do for her but Rainman claims he is staying home the next couple of days (because he is losing his mind?) so I don't know how much good that would be.

Fuck.

written at 8:56 p.m.
January 03, 2006

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