HELP!
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moon phases � |
I am in a serious funk both physically and mentally. The physical part is probably 75% the rank full caffeine coffee I drank this morning. I just cannot drink coffee like I used to. I have been reduced to half-caff at the strongest or a lovely cappaccino which is more steamed milk than caffeine. I also didn't sleep well last night so I undertand the physical funk just fine. I suspect if the sun were to come out and I could just get my body moving I would feel much better.
The rest of me I am not so sure about. I have been wandering around for a couple of days in a daze. I just can't get motivated. Now I admit I am one of those seasonally affective type of people which amounts to only having maybe a quarter of a life here in the northeast where it seems winter goes on for eight months out of the year. Especially considering the past two summers have been cold and wet. But I think we can all agree that the weather is only a small portion of my problem.
those of you who are not interested in my whining should leave now because I warn you it ain't gonna be pretty.
I want to have a life and I don't seem to have alot of control right now!
OK, that was a bit lame but it is something I really needed to get off my chest. Besides there is a bit of truth in that infantile scream. For instance, I have very little privacy. I was trying to get down and nasty in Rainman's face the other morning and who comes strolling upstairs but my father. For fuck's sake, if you hear unhappy sounds turn around and find something else to do, do not continue in the direction of what is obviously a private moment. Then we have the topic of Rainman. He has as yet to respond to my declaration that something needs to change around here. He agrees but is not prepared to make any suggestions or initiate any dialogue. I can't change him, I know that, and he obviously is contented to leave things as they are until I take the initiative. Speaking of, I would like nothing more than to get Rainman out of my face BUT I have this little difficulty about my cheese business getting shut down last summer. I am not financially prepared to end things without a means to support A and myself not to mention the complication of my parents. A single mother with 89 year old parents living with her is not the most reliable employee if you get my meaning so I really need the cheese business to get back on track. Which means I have to have a very frank talk with my potential partner.
That scraping sound you hear is me digging so I can crawl under a big rock and hide.
Oh, shit, I am tired of ranting. Now that is sad. I can't even get immersed in misery. Too depressed to be depressed, I have reached a new level of hell and I don't even believe in hell.
Imagine the voice from the movie the fly: "HELP ME...."
written at 2:46 p.m.
January 12, 2005
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