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ICE AGE

The current mood of greenwitch at www.imood.com

moon phases

Good gravy that snow/ice is heavy.

Imagine if there were more than five inches. I would never have gotten my father's car or my truck out of the piles of snow Rainman left them in. It took 4L to get my truck out. It didn't look like much snow but it is hard and slippery. My father's car was encased in ice and the snow blower had piled snow up against the front. The tires were literally frozen in blocks of the snow/ice substance that fell from the sky. I had to go out early this morning to but ice melt on the driveway. Parts were just a sheet of thick ice. My father was going to his day center and the driveway MUST be safe for him and the facilities driver who picks him up.

Rainman. He can memorize the phone book but can't manage the simple tasks of daily life.

*************************************

New topic. Sort of.

I have had alot of time to think lately. What with having a pukefest hangover and all. I have not really been thinking about anything new. Too bad huh? Anyway, the point is I have been thinking alot about the tremendous amount of energy that I am wasting loathing Rainman. It is very similar to trying to swim upstream in a flooded river. Absolutely exhausting and futile. The problem is he just keeps doing stupid things that set me off. Take the driveway and cars or the garage side door. And that was just this week. I mean I would still be agitated if he should suddenly develop lifeskills, but at least it wouldn't be such an issue even when he is not home. I guess one of the saving graces is he isn't home much. But that is a topic for another time. The point is I am wasting energy that would be better put to other uses. I have known this for a long time but It never hurts to revisit. That thought leads directly to the consideration of what to do about it. I know the obvious answer. I also know that that isn't completely possible until I have my business set up properly. Fortunately that is getting closer and closer. So I find myself left with a huge fuming anger that is wasting precious energy with no quick way to eliminate the cause of the anger. I do what I can to live my life without letting it "get to me". But let's be honest here. Living with someone who makes me so unhappy is hard to ignore much of the time. Not to mention the fact that I know I could be leading a happy fun hardworking life if I were not in the current situation. So folks the more time I spend sitting in this mess being angry is that much time I don't spend being happy and living the life I would like. Do I detect somthing else to be angry about? I mean this has been goint on to one degree or another for six years with times of sneak preview before that. Those are years that I could have been happy. I do consider that I may not have some of things I have now that I want to keep if things had changed in the past. Karma has a way of laying things out. I just hope I have learned the needed lesson and can move on without any more difficulties.

All that led me to the conclusion that I need A. to be in school so I can do the detail work I need to do. There are just some things I don't want to drag her to in the process of making positive change. Once I have my business up where it belongs I can gather infromation for the next step.

All this thinking is wonderful for the head but it doesn't do a damned thing for the heart. It has been so damned long since I have felt loved and cared for that it is too painful to even consider. I often turn my back on that fact because to look is to pick the scab off a deep wound. I live an emotionally flat life much of the time as a method of preserving my sanity. If I feel too much I may just curl up in a ball and cry for years and years. The times that I do feel are mostly the times that I fall into deep depression. Laughter and joy are rare things that when they do manage to break through the armor are quickly pushed aside for fear I will fall into a corner shrieking and hysterical or with the knowledge that I will soon be swallowed by the anger and frustration again so why bother.

I need to get out of the house. I need to do a little living of my own life to shake off the paralysis this week has invoked. Plans with Magrit for Monday is a good starting point. A simple trip to the grocery store will likely do for today.

written at 11:42 a.m.
February 16, 2007

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