A MAP TO THE FUTURE
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moon phases � |
So we are moving into the fall season and then to winter. This time of year is geared toward self reflection before the dreamtime of winter.
So I reflect and what do I see?
I still see someone who is living a life that is much less than comfortable. When I say comfortable I don't mean the quality of my couch. I am talking quality of life, state of mind and soul. I have been depressed to one degree or another for a couple of years now. I am always tired, I think, from doing too much for others and trying to hold a household together without much glue. My sense of humor, which has gotten me through alot of shit in the past has finally run out of steam. I am a prisoner of a marriage that probobly should have ended long ago. I just am not a great co-dependent sort of person. I get angry alot and I don't like that but at times I can't control it well.
There is more but you have heard it all before in one form or another.
So, what, I ask myself shall I do now. Going on and on like this seems unwise. I will lose what little sense I have left before spring arrives. Besides I don't want my kid growing up with two disfunctional parents.
So I am going to give counseling a try. Might help me regain some perspective cause I have to admit when living like this things get a bit distorted. Just gotta hope the woman I plucked off my insurance list is a match. Can't hurt and I can always say fuck it if I don't click with this person.
So that is what I find when I look inside.
written at 8:12 a.m.
2004-09-29
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