MILK AND BLOOD
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moon phases � |
Today started off pretty good. I went out this morning a bought a few new pots for my house plants and some potting soil. My poor plants are living in dust it has been so long since I repotted. I hope to get the first group done tomorrow and do another bunch withing the next couple of weeks. I came home and A. and I went into the kitchen to see how many milk based items we could make all at once. We made rice pudding, vanilla ice cream and a half gallon of yogurt. Then we made the irish soda bread which came out just fine. We followed this up with a trip out to the barn while the sun was still out. Rain arrived within a couple of hours after that.
Rain.....
Reign.....
.....of negativity. Just when I was thinking to myself that I was having a decent day and I had even gotten a little something done, I went downstairs to give my mother her insulin. The absolute negativity of my father drowns me. He just rants on and on about how shitty everything is. This leaves me flattened by the need to run away. I have no idea what he expects me to do. Just listen to it? Fix it? I have no clue. I mean I walked into the room and he starts going on about a bill he received. It was a letter from his long distance phone company saying he has a 60 day old balance of $18.44. I said it was a long distance phone bill and he tells me he didn't make any calls. So I asked for the original bill that has the telephone numbers called and he says he doesn't have it. Then he rages that he doesn't want a phone anymore. That is when I go and do what I went down there for and get out ASAP. I walked back in after I got my laundry out and took the letter. I will find out what he is being billed for but I don't like it. He yells at my mother when she gets confused and doesn't immediately take her medication. He yells to the air about how much it sucks living here.
How the fuck am I supposed to have a good day??
Leave. Put as much distance as possible between myself and him.
It is not fair to A. when I react to this stuff by becomming angry and depressed but I have lost my ability to shrug it off after nearly six years of living with it.
There is a very good reason I moved out of my parent's house when I was eighteen. He isn't like this because he is old, he has always been negative.
For example: My elbow hurts for some mysterious reason. His remark, "it's arthritis" (I'm 43). When I told him I was pregnant a few years ago (which ended in another miscarriage) he said something so nasty I have blotted it out of my mind and he never even said he was sorry about the mis.
Enough. I really don't want to rant and rave in this diary but it just gets to me. I feel like I am wasting my time being a "good daughter" by helping my parents when I get treated to such poor attitude in return.
written at 9:04 p.m.
2004-03-20
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