PSYCHOBABBLE
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moon phases � |
I am going to quickly tell about the "family session" phone call today.
First let me tell you that I absolutely did not get sleep last night. This is now no good sleep since Saturday night and I have been sick. Tired has been elevated to an out of body experience for me so having a conversation, especially a conference call with three other people was quite challenging. I did quite well though under the circumstances.
One thing I learned when I was seeing a counselor/therapist last winter is not to say too much too fast when talking to these professionals. They tend to take too broad a handle on large groups of words and wind up misunderstanding. Or at least that is true for me. Anyway, I kept my sentences short and to the point and blatantly honest.
The woman who is Rainman's therapist is a fount of psychobabble. She was really working the lingo throughout the conversation. I guess that could be useful when your job is to brainwash folks out of their bad habits but I found it quite irritating in my somewhat astral condition today.
She wanted me to make a list of my issues and needs which I pretty much didn't do because there are not enough trees on planet earth to provide the paper for the list. It is so much easier to just get to the point and state that the reason I have remained here is solely financial and that I have turned my back on the situation to protect myself and A. I was much more eloquent in my delivery on the phone but you get the idea. She was all about identifying needs and one of the things I mentioned is attentiveness. She want example of what would make me feel Rainman was being attentive. I am sorely tempted to become very sarcastic right now but I just don't have the energy. I hope I get some sleep before next weeks little session. The therapist wanted a commitment on both our parts to work on the "relationship" and for me to be supportive of Rainman's "recovery". I stated I would tentatively agree but if in the future there is any backsliding I won't gaurentee I won't lock the doors and hire a lawyer. I really had to impress upon this woman how long this whole thing has been going on and how deep the damage is.
Rainman got to hear all of this and he made a few statements along the lines of he is learning to communicate and he never really listened to what I was saying he just projected what he thought I meant onto me.
Duh, I never woulda guessed.
He may come home in two weeks. Right now I can tell you I ain't looking forward to it.
I questioned why he hasn't called more than three times and he said he has had a hard time getting to the sheet he has to claim a time slot on. I stated that A. doesn't understand why daddy doesn't call and I don't either so it is difficult to help her not be anxious. Wa-La, A. got a call at 4:30 and he called again at 6:30 and claims he will call everyday. I think he was blowing off calling which is really fucking shitty and when his therapist heard what I had to say she saw to it he dealt with the issue. ( he did say there are eighty people and three phones and you have to sign up for a time to use the phone which is available only in the evening)
You don't fix nearly twenty years of bad habit in five weeks, I just don't buy it. I will see what happens only because my choices still remain what they have been for quite some time. I will get my cheese business legal so I am self supporting and if he fucks up or it turns out I can't stand him straight out the door he goes. If he fucks up or I can't stand him before I have personal financial means I will end it anyway because I have had a taste of living without that black could on my shoulder and I like it. It would be very hard to sustain the farm and I may loss the oportunity to keep my business in that scenario but I am thinking mental health is more important for A. Besides he would have to pay support which might help although men have an incredible talent when it comes to avoiding those responsiblities.
Good night, say a prayer to the deity of choice that I get some sleep.
written at 8:11 p.m.
September 15, 2005
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