RANTING SADNESS
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moon phases � |
I am just so fucking sad today.
Funny, the day started out OK. I had to go to a farmer's market board meeting this morning which is something I usually enjoy. We were brainstorming what made this past season different than previous years. In addition we need to find a new manager for next year and the coordinator needs to back off from the responsibility so someone needs to step up to the plate, or several someones.
From there A. and I went to visit K's new toy/art supply/fun stuff shop that she just opened this past week. A. got to play with her friend which was nice. I would have hung out with K. but she had a hair appointment. I hung around anyway since A. really wanted to play. I had a nice time talking with K's hubby D. He is a very nice guy who really thinks about what will help others or how others are feeling. He is a breath of fresh air in a dense male model.
We came home and I just fell into a deep and dark funk. I guess the contrast of D. being so supportive and empathetic to K's needs in comparison to my relationship with Rainman was too much for me. That and the fact that I am going through a very intense emotional/psychological thing with my mother's condition without any support or even acknowledgement from Rainman. There is something deeply disturbing about being so profoundly unsupported while a body walks around my house daily. One that carries a title that implies involvement.
Shit, I am not surprised but that doesn't make it any less painful to live. I have been walking around the past week or two with the conviction that once the holidays are over I will insist that Rainman live elsewhere and work on himself. If he is meant to be a part of his child's and my life he will find his way and if not we will all be better off.
I mean really, I was in tears at the dinner table tonight and the man hasn't said boo to me. He got all bent out of shape because when he came in from work he asked me if I had heard who died today. I said "no" and he went off like I had said "fuck you asshole". No listening to my tone of voice or memory of what has been going on in my life. Just "you are out to be a bitch to me so everything you say is an attack" attititude.
What, I ask you, is to love or even tolerate about that behaviour?
My mother will pass and he will use it as an excuse to take a few days off from work. Nothing more.
Genetic testing sounds like a good idea. I think there may be an alien amongst us.
Why the fuck did it move into my house?
written at 8:47 p.m.
December 10, 2005
Miss something?
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