THE BOMB
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moon phases � |
Soooo......
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Where should I begin?
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I had a dream last Monday night that the house was on fire but everyone was doing their best to ignore it. It was only one room that was engulfed in flames so it was somewhat easy to put off focusing on it.
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I took A. hiking in the Poconos last Wednesday. We had a great time. Unfortunately I lost my digital camera. Some saint found it and turned it into the office of the management of the area we hiked. It is being shipped back to me.
I just don't have the time to drive back to get it. It has photos of the two cheeserooms I visited recently in it and the hike photos.
Irreplacable.
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Rainman had been spending alot of time over the past couple of weeks feeling poorly. He was taking alot of time off from work.
In that time he decided to take A. "camping" in the back yard.
A few days after the "camping" event I heard from A., "Daddy really wanted to keep the fire going when we were camping and daddy couldn't walk".
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I said to Rainman last Tuesday night, "what should I say to A. when she says to me that daddy couldn't walk?"
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No reply.
Angry remarks
A. awake comes to the living room.
I tuck her back into bed and she says, "I am afraid of daddy. I think he is going to hurt you"
Rainman was standing in the bedroom door.
He heard.
The lie I have told him in the past was confirmed.
His daughter is afraid.
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Rainman had left for work before we got up to go hiking. He had returned and gone to bed sometime between milking and getting out the door to go hiking. He did not acknowledge me or anything.
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We returned from hiking and Rainman informed me he had made some calls. He wanted to know what I thought about him leaving the next morning to go to a rehab. facility.
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Gasp. Shock. Relief.
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We drove him to the airport for a 1pm flight to Florida on Thursday. He was a mess and very emotional (drunk?). I told him he was doing the right thing.
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I told A. that daddy needs to get help to learn to be happy again. Daddy has been too angry and he needs to learn how to fix that. I told her it is good to ask for help.
I have only cried for A. She is so sweet and innocent. She doesn't understand and shouldn't have too (damn it!).
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We mailed drawings to daddy on Friday.
I got a very odd call Friday evening from Rainman. I think he may have cojolled his keepers into the call. He was somewhat panicked and claimed he hadn't deposited the money he told me he had into the bank (he had, I checked). A third party inrerrupted the call. It was very creepy and strange.
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I am very tired from doing EVERYTHING. Even though Rainman was doing very little the little made a difference. I am moving non-stop. I can't not do either. I must make money. We have to pay health insurance premiums so his sabbatical will be covered by the insurance.
I must get legal so I can get off of this rollercoaster.
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Rainman called today. He says a month. I know he isn't allowed to call unless his therapist OKs it. He is being watched. How clever do you suppose he is?
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I am relieved to not be living under that cloud. The cloud of "what will he be like today?" "Will he withdraw or will he pretend to be normal?" "Will he make A. cry tonight?"
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A.is crying alot. She doesn't know why and says so. I want to talk to her about it all but I think it needs to be just a bit more into the seperation. I want her to know I am angry and sad and upset and that it is OK for her to be all those things and more. I know I can't make this go away but I want her to come out of this knowing a bit more about herself and me too.
We will be OK. (*Goddess help us*)
written at 8:57 p.m.
August 29, 2005
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