TICKING. TICKING. TICKING.
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moon phases � |
I'm waiting.
I do alot of that.
It becomes very worn out very quickly.
I left a print out from the insurance company with the missing check circled and a note asking what happened to that check on Rainman's bed. When he got home from work the only mentioned was that there was no indication of an error in the duplicate check amount of nearly $300.
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Just got back from the most brief and infuriating conversation about the fact that Rainman took the check and put it in his bank account without any mention of it's arrival to me. He tells me that I didn't indicate that the school situation is an emergency so therefore he didn't think twice about it. He neglects the notion that if he gave a shit he could have learned more about the problem.
As usual it is all my fault. I made him steal money that rightfully belongs to me. He makes an issue of needing the money to pay the mortgage (a mortgage that shouldn't exist. This house was paid in full from the sale of my parent's house. He has incrementally squandered that over the years). Rainman is all innocent and pure. I am the bitch that has made it impossible for him to leave his room.
The man is living in a fantasy comprised of what he wants to believe and fed only by the dialogue inside his head. He can't even admit that his decision to take a job that has no benefits and pays a base salary less than a waitress's is a problem. He is the one who is not making enough money to make ends meet. He is the one who has had six jobs in ten years and therefore doesn't have any future today or coming up on the horizon. I suppose part of that internal dialogue says that I am a drain on funds in that I stopped working full time when my mother's health started really going down. Looking at that in a rational light he would notice that that situation was compensated for by the (no longer) mortgage free home that resulted in moving into this house with my parents. I imagine he has also forgotten about the car that my father bought him when I was pregnant with A. There were other things too. I imagine you get my meaning. Of course he forgot that I telecommunted before moving here. Then there is the money that I make at the farmer's market to pay A's tuition. Oh, I forget, I was foolish to pay household bills with that money and try to legitimize the business. Obviously it is my fault there has been a problem paying tuition this year.
All of this just makes me more determined to finish the cheeseroom and end this fiasco ASAP. Rainman is a sick person living inside of a polluted bubble.
I am so fucking infuriated right now. The thing that really has me pissed is that A. probably heard a good part of the conversation and I have worked so hard to shelter her from the difficulty with school.
Hatred and anger. A most explosive combination.
You see don't you, it all must be my fault.
written at 8:40 p.m.
February 24, 2007
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