DIS'ED AGAIN
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moon phases � |
Here we go again. You know, there was almost a lull in the bullshit for maybe ten days or two weeks. I should know by now that all lulls are nothing more than lulls. No big changes or improvements in this situation. Over the past few days I could see things reverting to bullshit as usual. The thing about not having any empathy on the day of my aunt's wake. The total lack of any further effort to correct nasty drinking habits. The saying and not doing. All the same shit surfacing to stink the place up again. Last night really reeked. I was very tired and stressed from the funeral and all I really wanted to do was go to sleep. Well, rainman said in the late afternoon that he was supposed to go to a town board meeting or something for the newspaper. I didn't have a problem with that I just would have felt better with a little more warning given my energy level. When the time comes for him to go he walks out the door with some remark along the lines that he would either be back in a few minutes or a couple of hours....huh?? He didn't even say goodbye to A. She came into the living room after eating something in the kitchen asking where daddy was. He was gone for maybe a half an hour or so. No mention of why or where. Experience has taught me to be suspicious. My first inclination is to think he went out for a few chugs. Getting A to bed was a little tougher that usual since we had had thunder. I got her settled down only to have her get up to go to the bathroom because daddy didn't make sure she went before bed (he did teeth, etc.). She gets back into bed and I am ready to close her door and rainman is standing in her room. Why? He then proceeds to spend a half an hour in her room doing I am not sure what. I did hear him asking her if she was afraid to be alone in her room. Poor kid probobly never would have thought of it if he hadn't mentioned it. Typical kid her age would wonder "should I be afraid, there must be a reason to be if daddy is mentioning it" He then says to her when she says yes (she never had a problem with this issue before) that this is a big problem. Shit, just lay off so I can get the kid to sleep. I got very annoyed and just got up while he was in the bathroom (?) and said goodnight to A again and that was that. I was more than ready to let him know what I felt was wrong but then he starts getting nasty and calling me self rightous. All he wanted to do, he said, was get some sleep. Fuck him. I got up and fooled around on the computer for a while. He peacefully goes to sleep. Untroubled by the fact that we just got ugly, again, with each other.
Poor A woke up with dark circles under her puffy eyes.
So this afternoon I was looking for a web site I had been looking at last week in the history listing and what do I find....more anal sex porn crap. I changed the password for the computer. He can beg me for computer time the perverted pig. This after he had asked how to take his searches out of the browser. He was concerned that A would get into something inappropriate when she is older. Liar, piece of shit liar. He was trying to appease something he imagined I wanted. He is so twisted he doesn't know what he is doing. He wants to fuck someone up the ass, go ahead. Then pack your bags and die a slow diseased death in the gutter.
I went out this morning to look around for A's birthday. I felt bad leaving her with him but what could I do. I couldn't stay home either because I knew I would just lose it. What amazes me is rainman goes on as if everything is just rosey.
I checked out classmates.com last night since that was how Elio and I, in a round about way, got reconnected. Strange site for the chronically lonely, pathologically nostalgic, and voyueristically inclined alumni of the nations school system. I logged on as a bland nobody and checked out who is listed. I found a guy who I spent some wild time with. I was friends with his younger brother who turned out to be gay. This guy was far from gay and was a classic case of trouble. Alot of fun to spend a saturday night with. I don't know if I believe he has spent the past eight years in the New Zealand Royal Navy. I do believe he would have joined the marines to avoid jail time! I will have to make it a point to write a bit about some of that time. It sure is more fun to remember then than it is to wake up to rainman now.
written at 8:25 p.m.
2001-07-11
Miss something?
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