AWESOME DEPRESSION
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moon phases � |
AWESOME DEPRESSION.
It amazes me that I can reach new lows again and again. Emotional lows, I mean. Hormones to help to spiral things down to a dark core that recognizes only true suffering and mania. Over the past couple of weeks I have just been losing my energy for coping. I mean how much shit can one person wade through on any given day? Then things began to go even funkier. Rainman, as I beleive I mentioned, went on another roll of consecutive evenings of head nodding. Then I found out that my Mom's latest aide will only be working through this comming week and then she is gone. She is pregnant and has gestational diabetes so the doctors are monopolizing her time.
I suppose all this is just a reminder of the reality I seem to be trapped in. Loads of responsibility without any respect or emotional support. I have reached the point that I just look at rainman or feel him in the room and I get profoundly depressed. He just reminds me of all the stuff that is lacking.
Don't get me wrong, I have alot of positive stuff that I can focus on. A. for instance. But, hell, it would be nice to not be reminded of all the stuff I miss. Things like an emotional life, affection, respect and encouragement. After twenty years it would be nice to be acknowledged.
Enough.
Anyway, so today I woke up at the absolute rock bottom of depression. I mean teary eyed staring off into space depressed. I got so depressed I got really pissed and had to get away from rainman before I took out my favorite murder weapon knife and just sliced him to ribbons. I retreated to the garage to put the last coat of paint on the chair that has be waiting for paint for over a month. That helped a bit and rainman going to work really brightened my outlook. I decided at that point to disassemble the first chair I had built and rearrange it so it will be comfortable for anyone to sit in. Not just comfortable for rainman. It was a very good distraction. I was midway through reassembling the chair when who walks onto the deck but rainman. Unexpected and unannounced he came home from work to give me rose. I did not take it because A. did. He saw what I was doing and made some lame comment and went back to work. He called later and said something about comming home to give me a rose and I basically said "what is that going to do?". He answered "nothing". Nice conversation, eh?
What will it take to make this guy realize that a rose ain't gonna help? He just wanders about slapping bandaids on whatever bleeding area he may notice while he totally ignores the guts that are spilling all over the place.
Perceptive he is not.
So, I have to live my whole life this week because after that there will be no aide comming in and either me or my father will have to be home at all times. How fun. How much can I fit in in one week. Let me see.....
Do I seem to have a bad attitude?
On a brighter note, I took A. to see a live theater winnie the pooh show yesterday. It was very well done and fun. A. enjoyed it but she was too overwhelmed to meet the actors in costume after the show. Of course when we got in the car to leave she was ready to meet the actors. Being a kid is challenging. A. drew two pictures about the show this morning. One was of the woman who spoke to the audience before the show began and the other one was of winnie the pooh on stage and A. and I sitting in the audience. I love seeing the absorbtion process that happens after a new experience. Kids are in a constant state of processing their environment in creative ways.
Well, the fan on this machine is beginning to make noise again. I think I will turn it off and not think about it.
written at 8:47 p.m.
2002-04-14
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