MOVING LIKE MUD
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moon phases � |
(ENTRY FROM D�LAND DOWNTIME:)
I am in an energy cycle that is so very hard to acclimate to. When moontime comes it is not just a build up and flow but there is an ebb tide that drains my energy for about a week afterwards. This, to me, seems unfair. Isn�t it enough to PMS, bleed and not die, and give birth to the next generation? Is it reasonable to expect to be alert and energetic for more than one week out of the month?
Now that I have scared off any male readers and most squeamish female readers, let�s move on.
I have an aching need to move on. MOVE ON. But I find that I am tied down to too many things. I love my parents and want to do what is right but I have reached a point where I have very little more to give and their needs grow as time goes on. I have tried to find a way to understand what has decayed my marriage and I have found some answers but solutions remain elusive. My child is growing and I find that I often don�t have the energy to keep up (see previous two items).
Move on. That is a double barreled remark. Move on as in away from this geographic location? Move on as in move past the current emotional and psychological limitations? Move on as in burning bridges? Move on as in getting past internal barriers?
So many places to go.
Action vs. reaction. That seems to be a part of my dilemma. I don�t want to do things simply because I can�t stand what I am currently doing. I want to make changes that will be happy and productive. And, to be perfectly honest, most of what I do I have no problem with. But, the scene with Rainman is such that I can�t ignore it. My emotional focus is skewed because someone I trusted became someone I don�t understand at all. Besides, I am not an island and I do have emotional needs. Emotion/need is something maybe I have had to make more sense of. I have always been very self-contained. As an only child of parents who had more important things to deal with, I learned to discover myself and found other people who would sustain me. I have been very foolish in trusting throughout my life but at the same time I have maintained a cynical exterior to protect myself. My cynical demeanor has been a problem for some folks but overall creative people understand and can laugh along with my assessment of my surroundings. So all in all I feel pretty comfortable with myself on my own.
Throw in someone who is professes to love me but doesn�t remember if I might be going in for surgery a week from Monday and I get a bit muddled. Not to mention when one lives with something it naturally becomes out of focus. Much like when my daughter shows me something by putting it about � of an inch in front of my eyeball. When it comes to Rainman I, at times, have no clue what the fuck is going on. I have spent a lot of time over the past few years building a barrier against him. It is an act of self protection. Like a callous that forms on a toe that rubs against a shoe over and over again. After a while a thick layer of skin grows and sensation diminishes. I have become a very large callous. I am thick and lacking in feeling and I don�t move as freely as I once did.
It is time to move on. But how?
written at 8:58 p.m.
January 21, 2005
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