HOPE LESS
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moon phases � |
Definitely on a down swing. A nose dive into the most rocky unyeilding terrain. Woke up this morning in a tremendous funk. Very depressed and non-functional. Again, I realize that it is impossible to change others. The only change possible is throught the self.
I must have gotten caught up in rainman's remark about wanting to be more than the guy who takes up half of the bed. Fell into a state of hope, very bad idea. In the meantime my mother loses more and more reality. She spent most of today asking to go home. She has people in her head and places that are ghosts. It is awesomely hard to be compassionate when confronted by such sadness. A. wanted to spend time with grandpa today and she got caught up in the confusion. At four she can't understand why grandma doesn't know she IS home. I want to shelter A, yet I can't. I want to explain, but A is too young to understand. I need to live an example but I am bent and lame. Tears want to overflow into the world washing my eyes away.
The only thing, probobly, that can stop this for me is a massive art attack.
Had a lucid moment this afternoon. Got out some craft paint and brushes and painted a tile that has been sitting in the bathroom for eight months. An iris that required color. Blossoming of gold and maroon. Morning sun and venous blood with the hope of grounding in a green stem reaching deep into the earth. Felt a little better. Got very lightheaded after rainman came home. No air in a world without love.
Even technology is failing me. This computer is not well and I am finding few to no alernatives to dumping it all and starting form scratch. I would lose my photos, music, and thoughts. The CD write drive is not working so I can't save it all. I hope to find a way... Can't tolerate more depressive energy.
Send green healing energy if you can, I am swimming in a deep blue sea with little to sustain me.
written at 8:21 p.m.
2001-08-19
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