HERE'S TO A REALLY NEW YEAR
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moon phases � |
I can feel the melancholy trying to wrap its arms around me and it is only 9pm on new years eve. I am doing nothing out of the usual tonight. I don't usually. Only if a good friend is having a family friendly house party do I go out.
The holidays have been a stall tactic really. A time to let things ride for the sake of a cheery season. That all ends tomorrow. Reality and just a long winter span out on the horizon called tomorrow.
I have been composing a letter to Rainman over the past couple of weeks. It isn't that I am a coward and am writing something to avoid a conflict. Historically I have learned that communication is something that only happens on rare occassions and then is not usually remembered. So, I have been writing a letter because I will communicate what I have to communicate no matter what.
I will communicate that I am basically living as a single parent and am Oh so VERY stressed because of it. I will communicate that I am not happy living like this. I will comminicate that if Rainman does not make very definite steps to change his relationship to his family and alcohol then I will make very definite steps to exclude him form the families primary residence.
This really sucks and I don't want to do it on one level because it is really fucking inconvienent. But ya know what? I am not going to continue living in a grey zone where everthing is either exaggerated or diminished.
Now I admit I had made a statement similar to this last year this time to Rainman. I didn't follow through or I wouldn't be repeating myself. This time I have the onus of a counseling voice to insist that I either keep my word or stop bitching about it. I also made that statement verbally to Rainman which is why I am writing something this year. You see, he doesn't really listen to me. He hears what he thinks he should and says what he thinks he should and then promptly forgets it all and carries on as if nothing ever happened. So, I intend to have a verbal interlude but I will use the writing to hold it true. I will keep myself focused with the words and will leave him with no way to say he doesn't recall that.
So I can't say that I am looking forward to a happy new year but I do intend on it being a NEW year even if it means messing my whole little universe up really badly.
A happy new year to all of you and thank you for listening.
written at 9:01 p.m.
December 31, 2004
Miss something?
- - January 26, 2009
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- - January 21, 2008
- - November 24, 2007